The Tao of Friday

A little bit of marketing going on in Chapter LXII.  Sorry for not writing much in the month of August.  Everything was so hectic!  I like this chapter because it really communicates the value of the Tao and even gets in on a little viral marketing action – ancient Chinese style! Don’t help people, just teach them the Tao.

Actually, it also seems like a lot of religion today: people don’t need food, they need to be saved! But no, actually food is still important too.

The Tao is the center of the universe,
the good man’s treasure,
the bad man’s refuge.

Honors can be bought with fine words,
respect can be won with good deeds;
but the Tao is beyond all value,
and no one can achieve it.

Thus, when a new leader is chosen,
don’t offer to help him
with your wealth or your expertise.
Offer instead
to teach him about the Tao.

Why did the ancient Masters esteem the Tao?
Because, being one with the Tao,
when you seek, you find;
and when you make a mistake, you are forgiven.
That is why everybody loves it.

The Bacherlorette: NY Transplant Edition (Part Two)

I am going to do a multi-part series on my match.com adventures in the hopes that it amuses all of you.  While not amusing at the time, I hope that I have made it more fun in the retelling.  I am not going to give them names because it would just be confusing.  If I ever actually like one of these guys, that may change.

Part Two = Bachelor #2

Oh, #2, you started out so promising.  You had a plan and were decisive.  I was very happy.  Where did it all go wrong?

I had two dates with #2.  Date #1 was fantastic.  He was older than his picture and was 10 minutes late, which I did not like, but he made up for it in joie de vivre.  He wanted to go to ping pong.  When that did not work out, he quickly regrouped and took us to a restaurant. We laughed, we had a great conversation, and he picked up the check as if he owned it all along and had no thought in his mind that I would pay. (I don’t mind paying at all – but the men seem to.  So I let them.  If a man lets me pay, they act all offended after the fact, like I threatened their manhood.)

Then there was Date #2.  I was excited, excited enough to do a full blow-out and fix my makeup and wear some of my nicest clothes, including a berry colored knee-length pencil skirt, black sleeveless blouse and strappy sandals.

We meet again at the ubiquitous Union Square.  He gives me a hug, and a peck on the cheek and we’re off on a date he says he’s planned for us.  As we’re walking towards the restaurant, he mentions that he’s drunk.  What?! I remain calm, and ask him how that happened.  Apparently, he had a business meeting and he had a margarita.  Or two.  More like two.  But again, this guy gets me when I’m hungry, and I’m on my way to food, so I just engage in light teasing and let it go.  But, apparently, #2 can’t stop telling me things.  During our drunken walk, he tells me that:

1. I’m scantily clad
2. My arms don’t really have muscles.

What?! And this is where he lost his chance.  I was not scantily clad.  And how dare he comment on my arms like that! I let forth the full amount of teasing I can provide: the amount I reserve only for people that can really take it.  I am scathing, but he is drunk.  I tell him that it is not 1810, and my bared ankle is not scandalous. I glare on behalf of my muscles.  But, I’m hungry and so I persevere in the hopes of food.

Then he goes into this weird story about what he really wanted this date to be.  He wanted to drive the the mountains, have us take off everything but bathing suits, hike to the top of a cliff and dive off it to the waters below.  If that’s not my worst nightmare, I don’t know what is.  Hiking and jumping off a cliff? Someone did not read my profile, where it states three times that I hate hiking and I’m terrified of heights.  Just goes to show that these guys only look at the pictures. And what’s with the getting undressed after saying my strappy sandals and bare arms make me scantily clad?

We get to the restaurant, and we are both pleasantly surprised.  It’s wonderful, the food is great and it’s vegetarian.  It was thoughtful, and as we start to eat, he sobers up.  We have a great conversation, like we did on Date #1. He wants to meet the next day, and I agree (seeing if there is a best two out of three dates). As I get home, he texts to see if I got home safe (awww), then he texts to ask if I will invite him over and cook him dinner (blech)!

I have to cancel Date #3 at the last minute because my laundry situation was dire.  I text him from the laundromat, and he does not call me again.  Thanks for the favor, dude!

The Bachelorette: NY Transplant Edition (Part One)

I am going to do a multi-part series on my match.com adventures in the hopes that it amuses all of you.  While not amusing at the time, I hope that I have made it more fun in the retelling.  I am not going to give them names because it would just be confusing.  If I ever actually like one of these guys, that may change.

So, Part One = Bachelor #1

#1 was one of the first guys to email me as I was coming to New York, but I suspected it wouldn’t work out early on.

Clue #1:  He writes and emails like he texts. E.g., “Heyyy how ru?” Also, he did not know the difference between “you’re” and “your”. Ruh roh.

Clue #2: When he called me for the first time, he wanted to go out that night (a Saturday). Of course I had plans, was he kidding?! And he wanted me to cancel with my girls at the last minute to go out with him that night? That’s just rude.

Clue #3: When I told him that I would not be ditching my friends to go out with a guy I just met online and had never seen in person, he whined.  You all should know how I feel about whiny men. Women in my family have a tendency to kick a whiny man when he’s down, rather than feel bad or sympathetic.

But I figure, maybe he just wasn’t good over the phone? Not everyone has my sparkling phone personality.  So I agree to meet him on Sunday night (“Sunday?! But I have to work the next morning!” he whines. My answer is less than sympathetic). We were to meet at six, go to dinner and see where the night took us.

We meet at Union Square, my favorite meeting spot.  I was getting hungry, so I was looking forward to him showing up.  Eventually, we find each other, and when I ask where he thought we should eat, he replies, “Oh, I had a late lunch, so I’m not hungry. Could we just go to a coffee shop?” Well, no.  Because it was supposed to be a dinner date, so I hadn’t had dinner yet.  I’m like the Hulk: “Don’t make me hungry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry.” But, I very politely point out that I hadn’t had a late lunch and I would like to eat something other than biscotti.  When I suggest Chipotle, he says that he had wanted to take me to Brooklyn Heights (then why did he ask me to meet him in Manhattan?), and there are restaurants there.  So we go on the subway.

At Brooklyn Heights he tells me that he went to school there, and loves it, it’s his favorite place. Sweet.  So, I ask him where his favorite restaurant is.  He doesn’t have one.  Then, I ask him to pick a restaurant that he likes.  He can’t.  Awesome, a man that whines and can’t make a decision.  As my blood sugar drops further and I sense a Bitch Attack coming on, I drag him into the nearest Chipotle.  We have a pleasant conversation and I ask him about himself as I wolf down the marvelous Bare Burrito.  Then, we walk out to the waterfront in Brooklyn Heights…

…And it is so beautiful.  The skyline, the sunset, everything is just so perfect.  I am fed, and feeling forgiving and am pleasantly chatting with him.  I’m having a great time at last.

He leads me over to some benches, and puts the moves on me like we are both 15.  Like, putting his arm around me, and taking it down.  Holding my hand, and dropping it.  Leaning in and kissing me on the forehead, the cheek, the top of my head.  I’m trying not to laugh, seeing how long this will go on.  Suddenly, he goes in for the kill, but instead of a sweet kiss, it’s a full-blown making out.  Lots of tongue and open mouth action.  As I come up for air, I tell him that I’m uncomfortable with public displays.  And that old people are walking around discussing politics. I can see the old people when your tongue is in my mouth. And here’s the end for #1: instead of saying, “Ok, I’ll stop” (the correct response), he says, “We’re not doing anything wrong.” No, wrong has nothing to do with it.  My discomfort has everything to do with it. That, and I said, no. Suddenly, I’m even more uncomfortable as he feels the need to pressure me into more making out. So I say we should go, he insists on waiting for 5 more minutes (but it’s a work night, remember?).

I insist, and we walk back.  He asks me if I want him to ride with me on the train (I was unfamiliar with the train to go home on), and I said no.  After putting the moves on me again in the subway, the train comes and I go home.  #1 receives the call later that week that there won’t be a second date.  I tell him that I had fun, but I just “wasn’t feeling it.” Because I can’t feel it for someone who doesn’t respect my feelings, and who disrespects a dinner date by eating before and telling me about it.

Date Fail.

Intimidation

A few weeks ago, I was following a co-worker to happy hour.  He’s not very good to follow, and kind of swerved at the last minute into a lane.  I put on my turn signal, checked my blind spot and got into the next lane too.  Suddenly, I heard a fit of honking and a guy got out of a black prius behind me and walked up to my window screaming at me.  My chest beating rapidly, I still got out my phone, dialed 911 and showed him the number through the window, my finger poised over “send.” What I didn’t see happening (but my coworker did) was the patented NY car move for people incapable of having someone in front of them.  Someone signal so they can get in your lane? Drive into their blind spot and honk furiously.  Except, I didn’t see him drive into my blind spot, I just changed lanes.  Apparently upset that his trick didn’t work, he unloaded some road rage at me.

I bring this up because it just happened again.  I was at an intersection turning left, my blinker clearly on in a one-lane road.  The car behind me kept honking furiously (like I could do anything about oncoming traffic).  Then, as I turned left, a pedestrian darted out, so I stopped, and got honked at again (repeatedly.  What was I supposed to do, run them over)?  So, I flipped the guy off, like, stop honking at me, jackass.

(Now, at this point of the story all of you are saying, “You shouldn’t have done that!” But really, people give the bird all the time here.  It’s practically a greeting.  I can’t tell you the number of times this month someone has honked at me for no reason or flipped me off. I let it go with an eye roll.)

He’s following my bumper, so I pull over and he gets out of his truck, as I frantically fish for my phone.  Unable to find it as this (easily 250 pound) guy angrily gestures at my car, I lay on the horn for at least a minute.  Scared off by the sound, he gets back into his truck and drives off.

The first time I was followed and had someone stalk over to my car did not happen in NY, it happened in Arizona, when I was about 18.  I was making a left turn, but not quickly enough for the guy behind me, so he turned left behind me as I was turning and almost got us both into an accident.  I was so scared that I honked furiously at him.  So, he followed me home, blocked me into my own driveway and waited in his car for me to get out.  I was without a cell phone or any way of calling for help.  I laid on the horn, hoping someone would come out.  No one did (thanks, Mom and Rachel!), but I did spook him enough to leave.

In all these instances, these guys were wrong.  You don’t drive into a person’s blind spot as they are about to change lanes.  You don’t honk at someone who has the right of way for not running over pedestrians and you don’t try to cut someone off as they are making a left turn.  I had the right of way, they did not.  And yet, something in them said that it was okay to threaten and intimidate a 5’4″ woman for having the temerity to react to their rudeness.  Rather than letting a small slight go, they used the threat of violence to put someone physically smaller and weaker in their place.  What is wrong with these people? What is so threatening to their masculinity that they have to react like that? I would never try to threaten someone for reacting to something stupid I did on the road.  I just don’t get it.

Fortunately, I am usually only intimidated once.  After that, I react swiftly.  After laying on the horn, I was ready with a cell phone to call the police. One thing I learned early – never react to violence with violence.  React with “I will call the police on your ass and press charges.” That finishes a fight more surely than a punch ever could. I’m not playing around with any threats, so one thing is true: I am not the one they should pick to intimidate.

(And as for all of you – please don’t send me any stories about people getting shot because they honked at someone else or any crazy/stupid stories set to frighten me further. I’m not interested in hearing “OMG, be careful!!1!” multiple times.  I am careful. It’s not my fault that people look to expend their rage on the vulnerable – it’s theirs.  I could do nothing and the same thing would happen.  Hell, I have done nothing at times, and stuff like this has happened. So, I’m really just going to live my life and react in the best possible way to sticky situations.)

The Tao of Friday

I actually like the advice in Chapter LVI.  It’s a bit like a manual about how not to have a Cold War.

When a country obtains great power,
it becomes like the sea:
all streams run downward into it.
The more powerful it grows,
the greater the need for humility.
Humility means trusting the Tao,
thus never needing to be defensive.

A great nation is like a great man:
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it.
Having admitted it, he corrects it.
He considers those who point out his faults
as his most benevolent teachers.
He thinks of his enemy
as the shadow that he himself casts.

If a nation is centered in the Tao,
if it nourishes its own people
and doesn’t meddle in the affairs of others,
it will be a light to all nations in the world.

The Tao of Friday

I really hate to invoke Hitler or the Nazis into any conversation, particularly on posts on the Internet.  Typically, I invoke Godwin’s Law, which states: There is a direct correlation between length of an argument on the Internet and the likelihood of Nazis being mentioned.  And that the person who brings Nazis into the argument automatically loses.  I extrapolate this into real life as well: that if Nazis are mentioned by a person in an argument with me, then I automatically invoke Godwin’s Law and declare myself the winner.

So will not use the obvious “Hitler wouldn’t step aside!” argument in response to Chapter LX.  Instead, I will say, “The Hutus in Rwanda wouldn’t have stepped aside as they massacred their countrymen!”  See? That way Lao Tzu doesn’t win the argument.

Governing a large country
is like frying a small fish.
You spoil it with too much poking.

Center your country in the Tao
and evil will have no power.
Not that it isn’t there,
but you’ll be able to step out of its way.

Give evil nothing to oppose
and it will disappear by itself.