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Mar 27

The Bachelorette: Drop Dead Gorgeous

There’s a song by April Smith called “Drop Dead Gorgeous” where the hook is something like:

cause if you’re just drop dead gorgeous
you should just drop dead

Truer words were never spoken. Bachelor #6 is easily the most attractive man I have dated in a long time. Because… if they’re all assholes, why not at least date a pretty one… am I right? Except, it’s really not worth it. He is like a horrible hybrid cross between my ex and Bachelor #3 (who I haven’t really gotten into here but really should… he flamed out spectacularly as well!). It was like testing and controlling with a degree of thoughtlessness that took my breath away.

We have gone out on three dates. On the first date, there was only one red flag: the bitching about an ex. I think I was a small child the first time my own father told me that when a man talks badly about a woman, he will do the same to you. And he was right about that one! But I let it slide because I was kind of drowning in his eyes. He also didn’t kiss me goodnight and made me feel like I was on an interview for the title of “Associate Girlfriend.”

The second date comes around and he goes from 0 to 60 in terms of being an octopus with a tongue. And with the exception of #5 (who is still wonderful in all other ways!) I have not had to undergo such awkward kissing since I was 13. He literally stuck his drooly tongue in my mouth and just left it there. Gross.

But that’s not even egregious yet! So, I got eye surgery, which he knew. I told him that it would be on Tuesday and he wanted to go out on that Friday, but I cautioned him that I might not be recovered. On Tuesday evening he texts me to ask how the surgery went. On my eye. Is he incredibly thoughtless, or stupid, or both? Either way, he’s not even winning by Charlie Sheen standards. I text him back the next day, tears streaming down my face, “can’t text, will talk on Thursday about Friday.” He does not respond, but instead texts me again on Thursday to see about the date on Friday. At this point, I am baffled, and refuse to go out.

On Friday, we talk instead on the phone, where he asks me how things are progressing so far for us. Progressing? After two dates? Is he high? I am so tempted to just say “It’s not” and get off the phone. But for some reason sat, hypnotized on the phone as he begins a referendum on our relationship and my feelings about it. I tell him that it’s completely ridiculous to see if it would work out after two dates. He replies, “Well, I don’t want to waste my time.” I didn’t realize that he had a biological clock tick tick ticking away.

Now there’s this Friday night. Yes, I was stupid enough to see if things would be worth it. I will not be stupid again. Perhaps if I make a list, things would be easier?

1. He has lived in New York for years and works in Manhattan. I told him a common, major subway stop downtown to meet me at, and he called me at work to look up an address for the stop for him because he couldn’t find the stop himself. One has to try for that level of incompetence.

2. We went to one of my favorite sushi restaurants. He complained about it, drank $30 work of sake (which I did not) and tried to get me to split the check. I paid for my share, which I am always happy to do, but did he really expect me to pay for all that sake and rolls that were twice the price of mine?

3. He talked about having to fly cross country each week first class, and that his company would pay for it, but it was hard for him. I noted that it might be cheaper to hire someone in LA than to fly him first class there every other week. He told me that clearly I was wrong because otherwise the company wouldn’t be doing it, that they were smarter than that, but I was welcome to run the company if I thought I could do better. When I called him on being an asshole, he didn’t apologize.

4. He tried to get me to take him home with me, and I told him no several times. He was pushy as hell, so then I just said I had bed bugs. Suddenly, he was no longer interested.

5. He wanted to go to the movies after that. I wanted to go home, but I did want to see Limitless. As it turns out, he wanted to go because he had a free ticket. He had me pay for my own. (At this point, I actually break a little, and while he is in the bathroom I say “This is the worst date ever! He’s unbearable!” To which a kindly stranger overhears and we spend two minutes making fun of his antics so far.) During the movie, he keeps drunkenly whispering, “You’re so hot” and at one points makes a go for the money shot. I decided that, since I was paying for the movie, I should see it instead of messing around with him. Also, he’s still a slimer.

At no point during the date did he ever ask me about my eye.

He might look like he could be on the cover of a romance novel, but there is not enough pretty in the world to compensate for all that. I’ll just have to be the one that got away from this stud muffin.

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3 Comments

  1. quicke

    April 4, 2011

    Reply

    “So, I got eye surgery, which he knew. I told him that it would be on Tuesday and he wanted to go out on that Friday, but I cautioned him that I might not be recovered. On Tuesday evening he texts me to ask how the surgery went. On my eye. Is he incredibly thoughtless, or stupid, or both?”
    The man sounds thoughtful. Unless you stated not to text because you’re blind, I would take that question of concern as being thoughtful. Perhaps not the delivery you expected. However, that’s your own fault for not making clear that texting was off limits with your functioning eye.

    “I paid for my share, which I am always happy to do, but did he really expect me to pay for all that sake and rolls that were twice the price of mine?” Most people on a date go dutch. Splitting the check 50/50. That’s my understanding. Line item breakdown of a check is just in bad taste. You paid for your share only of a dinner check because his half costs more. Then, you bitch because he makes you pay for your own movie ticket. “He had me pay for my own.” What did you expect him to do? You demonstrate the need to pay for “your share” then “break” when he makes you pay for your own share of the movie.

    Sorry for your bad luck with men. These men are indeed all fools.

    • sepra

      April 14, 2011

      Reply

      Quicke, you need to stop trolling my blog telling me everything is all my fault. You have no understanding of me or really, people. I’m actually getting the impression you know me, since your IP is in my area, and just commenting to be an asshole. If this is not the case, then maybe you should reevaluate the narrative of all your comments and make a change. If you do not, I will begin to block the IPs that you post under and you will not be allowed to comment.

      As far as the date goes: #1 Texting someone after eye surgery is dumb, particularly when he could have just called and asked. It’s what you do when you don’t care. And trust me, he didn’t. I’m not really interested if you think something is my fault, because you seem to think everything is, but I did mention that I would not be able to see before I went into surgery. #2 Most people don’t do dutch, so no, actually you’re wrong on that too. I actually like dutch, but I don’t like fighting for a check, so I don’t often pay (I always offer). This guy insisted on paying for two dates, and then decided that he wanted to split the bill when he realized he ate $50 of a $75 bill. I didn’t add that to my story because my post was long enough. And I bitched about my movie ticket because he used a free pass. If I had a coupon to the movie, I would have shared with him (because I am thoughtful).

      I am not going to engage with you like this again. Vary the content of your commentary and be more respectful to me or you’re banned.

  2. quicke

    April 15, 2011

    Reply

    It’s not them honey, it’s you. Don’t air your dirty laundry on the WWW if you can’t take criticism. I found your blog while searching Tao. Chance find, which at first seemed interesting. Good Luck with number 6. You’ll need it.

    Also, I am now banned because I am a raging sexist asshole that calls women by degrading names and says they should just settle for asshole behavior. Because I’m an asshole and it hurts when people call me out on my shit. But still. BANNED!!!

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