May 21

Existential Break with Reality

Over the past month or so, I’ve felt like a bunch of people have gotten together and seen how many times they can kick me in the head. Figuratively, of course. It might be just my perception, brought on by a couple of factors — I can’t really tell. But I am so sick of people sniping at me, lecturing me, or ordering me around that I feel like on the outside I’m smiling but on the inside I’m just screaming nonstop. It’s also coming from so many sides, I can’t see straight. And woe betide anyone that treats me that way when I can fight back. Because at this point, I’m not grinning and bearing it unless I have to.

I read a quote someone said about the topic, “I didn’t want to kill myself– but I wanted to end my life.” That’s how I feel now. Something’s got to give. I’m getting this same desperation that I’ve felt before. That something needs to change and soon, or I’m going to be clawing the walls trying to get out of a trap.

At the very least, I really need a vacation. I just don’t know how to hack it. I’m not sure where to go after that.

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