seprah.com

Memorial Day and beyond

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Wed, 27 May 2009 00:50:00 +0000

After a weekend of Memorial Day partying,Tony and I are settled back into his apartment and trying to get errands done before I go to New York. I'm still a bit apprehensive to tell the truth because I still don't know when or how I'm coming to the place I'll be in for the next three months. But I'm also really excited, because I think New York is going to be really fun.

This last weekend we went to two friends' houses, and they couldn't be more different. The first was with people Tony had grown up with in their beautifully decorated, spotless home. The second was with his college friends in their house that is like Tony's ultimate dream of a fixer upper. I really liked both, and it really shows that it doesn't matter where you live, or how, but the people. And that there is beauty to be found in different living situations.

Last project in my first year

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:59:00 +0000

Which is great, but it's the second day of an all-day team meeting. I'm tired. But there is a $1000 prize for the winner, so let's see if I can't win. I feel very strongly that I want to really show people that I belong here for a reason.

I also may have found a 1 bedroom in Midtown Manhattan for $1500 per month, which is Very Cheap. We'll see how it goes. I really like to idea of no roommates.

I am now on Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 01:16:00 +0000

I don't really know why, but if you would like to see day to day status messages, I am there under my real name.

2 Finals Down, 3 To Go

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 21:41:00 +0000

Including a couple of doozies. I am desperately trying to get my grades to a 3.5 average so that I feel like I have a chance when I apply next year to Exxon. Otherwise, I think I'm doing pretty good and hopefully will come out with more As than Bs.

I am also looking for a place to live in New York, so we'll see how that goes.

Party Crashed

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 11:13:00 +0000

And it was good. I totally acted like I belonged and there were no temper tantrums. It was killing two birds with one stone: I showed that I will not be treated that way and I got to be there for my friends!

Crashing the party

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:29:00 +0000

The person referenced below, in an attempt to act as middle school as possible, is "hosting" a huge party at the Olive Garden for two of my friends. She invited, I think, every woman in the program... except me.

What else is there to do but crash the party?

I remember the last time this happened. A girl named Mary had a slumber party and invited most of our friends except me. And every time I was around, she made it a point to mention it, or reference something funny that happened during it. Until a couple of friends got mad and told her to shut up. That was in the 9th grade. And it is exactly what is happening here.

My revenge in high school was to go hang out with a friendly group of seniors and juniors, which was fun and made Mary eat her heart out. My revenge with this (31 year old woman!) is to just be really nice to everyone, have a good time and do well in school and on my internship. I think living well is the best way to be when other people are throwing shit at you.

Escaping the crazy

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:51:00 +0000

Before coming to MBA school, I have been in two abusive relationships. The first was with a boyfriend when I was 18 and the second was with my first counterpart in the Peace Corps. They were both different patterns of abuse, but down at the most basic level, all abuse is about control. As anyone who has ever known me can attest, I have a deep-seated hatred of being controlled in any fashion.

So, I made a friend when I came to business school, and I was lonely and wanted a friend. Despite my misgivings, I got sucked into her orbit and was her friend for about 7 months. Then, early March, we got into a fight (as we seemed to do once every couple of months or so) and something in me changed. I was going through a low point and couldn't deal with her anymore, so I cut her off. And the more I cut her off, the crazier she got. I had already dealt with her lying, her misrepresenting me and my other friends and her wild mood swings, but this was like all of Sybil's 13 personalities all came out at once.

So, I did what I am accustomed to doing when faced with a troubling situation with another person, and consulted the emotional abuse checklist. She fits most of the criteria. Here is a sample that I could answer "yes" to:

- Is jealous of other friends, and will insult people you like.
- Wants control of clothing, opinions and decisions.
- You have feelings of dread and that you are walking on eggshells.
- Claims to have power you don't and that if you misbehave, they will punish you.
- After abuse, will become increasingly affectionate, and express so much sorrow and self-hate that you end up comforting them.
- Lies about insignificant things.
- Makes contradictory demands.
- Does unrequested favors and then gets angry and hurt when you don't reciprocate.
- Says negative things about a trait you like about yourself.
- Insists that all you have in the world is them.

That is actually a culled sample. I can answer more. The thing is, that there are very few resources for a toxic friendship, and the prevailing advice is just to cut off contact with that friend. A little hard to do when they will be in the same program as you for another year.

The thing that makes me really uneasy is that she has threatened me in the past, and she is getting crazier and crazier the more I have cut her out of my life. She had three conversations last week with a mutual friend about how I was cutting her out of a meeting with a professor after she told me I had to do a group assignment on my own. Nothing my friend could say could make a dent, because she kept going into circular logic.

I'm really at a loss, but it just proves again that if I listened to my gut in the first place, none of this would have happened.

Playing on a loop

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:27:00 +0000

Hypnotized - Ani Difranco

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go
And the traffic was hissing by
And i was homesick
And i was high

I was surrounded by a language
In which i could say only hello
And thank you very much
But you spoke so i could understand
And i drew a treasure map on your hand

And you were no picnic
You were no prize
But you had just enough pathos
To keep me hypnotized
Hypnotized

The map led to an island
In a sea of store-bought dreams
Where soulless singers sang
Over beats built by machines

And lovely girls were hovering
Above my head like gulls
With their long slender necks
And their delicate skulls

And i was no picnic
I was no prize
But i had just enough sweetness
To keep you hypnotized
Hypnotized

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go

The Longest Week Ever

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:28:00 +0000

This past week has been pure hell. I have no internship, extra classes and PSU decided to add all the reading-heavy classes this quarter. The professors decided to front-load all assignments so that everything was due either Friday or Monday, so this weekend was shot.

I had an interview in Wilmington yesterday, and caught a ride there and back, which meant that I woke up at 3am to go there and got back around 7pm. Then I walked around like a zombie until I crashed at a friend's at 10pm. There is no time to do anything, and this economy is making finding an internship so hard. And yet Smeal has no interest in helping out the students.

I came back from Chile a hollowed out shell of my former self. I was so stressed I wasn't able to even appreciate Spring Break and now I'm back in the thick of things, not caring how anything goes. But it's interesting to be so stressed out and not feeling anything at the same time. Not an experience I ever really want to repeat.

Are there any jobs out there where I can just sit on the beach with a coconut that has a straw sticking out of it? Sitting on the beach with Dara in Phuket was one of my more relaxed states of being, and something I want desperately to get back to.

I have strep throat

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 19:18:00 +0000

Culture just came back. At least I know what to do...

Tuscan Beans

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:59:00 +0000

I got this bean mix from Wegmans. A co-op dedicated to lifting women up from poverty and establishing independence has their members create it as a fund raising tool. It seems tasty so far, and I definitely need to get protein into my system, for my health.

Also, because a day without eating onions caramelized in a good sherry is like a day without rainbows. Try it, and you'll know what I mean.

I also thought that buying and making something good today could mitigate the fact that I might be selling my soul for an internship. It's under negotiation.

Sickness

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:26:00 +0000

For the last week or so, I have had a massive throat infection that did not go away with anibiotics or the pain medication I was taking. It still hurts. So, I went to the doctor today who said that my tonsils were inflamed.

Tonsils? I had those out when I was a kid.

Apparently, I have one mutant tonsil that grew back to a fraction of its size and it's inflamed and hurting. The other one is just a stub. Luckily, it's just viral so as soon as I get better, I'll get better. The problem is that it's tough to get all the rest I need in the MBA program. They really like to grind you down so that the easiest thing grows into a wicked sickness.

Bad Luck

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:04:00 +0000

You know how, in the Southern Hemisphere, water runs in a different direction. I felt as if both water and my luck turned in Chile. It's not Chile's fault, not really, but there was an undeniable string of mishaps that happened to myself and my friends on the whole trip.

On the first night, my purse was snatched.
On the second night my friend C sprained her ankle and had to go to the hospital.
On the third night, my friends and I had a massive fight and I refused to speak to them on the fourth day. (It got resolved).
On the fifth day, I was stricken down with a massive throat infection. (Which I haven't had since my tonsils were removed as a child.)
On the sixth day, I was scammed in a taxi on the way to the clinic (which I got out of using a winning combination of guilt and fury). Because of a screw up and some jerkiness on the part of the coordinators, I also had to go alone to the clinic, where there was no English spoken. And HTH set me up with a gastroenterologist for a throat infection. Nice.
On the seventh day, my other friend E got stricken with the same infection, her insurance had run out and she had just gotten out of the hospital for other throat related complications. That night, we were also scammed again by a couple of taxis.

So, last Saturday, I gave a rousing speech to my friends and told them that we were changing our tickets and going home. None of this sticking it out nonsense. They cheered and I went to change the tickets. Luckily, we ended up saving money by not staying a week and paying the change fee.

I am bummed though. I feel like I did the right thing, but that also I failed to give Chile a chance as well. It's confusing.

The watchword is 'vigilance'

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 02:30:00 +0000

In the Peace Corps Uzbekistan, my safety and security officer was named Alijon. Alijon's key phrase was always 'Be vigilant.' Always know your surroundings and watch the people around you for both guidance and warning signs.

My first night in Santiago, I totally failed Alijon. I was walking with a group of friends when a boy snatched my purse (attached to my wrist) and ran off with it. I just reacted out of instinct and ran after him shouting, 'Help me' in Spanish. I guess he got nervous, so he threw the purse under a bench and I was able to retrieve it.

I want to be clear that I don't believe I was any physical danger at any time. What embarasses and angers me is that it was a crime of opportunity. The boy thought it would be safe and easy to take my purse from me. And, in a way, it was. I was with my friends, I was looking at everything around me and I wasn't being vigilant. I didn't notice that almost every woman on the street had a purse with a long strap hanging crosswise down across the body, or that we were in place that was seedy at best, or even that we were being too loud in a group - in English.

I don't know why that is. Why, after seven years of traveling all over, did I get to be the easy mark? I think it was being a bit cocky and in the moment that did me in. But, I'll tell you on thing: it reaffirmed all the things I do everyday that keep me safe. I'm going back to the long-strapped purses and the base level of paranoia I get in large groups or crowded, public spaces.

I promise from now on that my new watchword is vigilance.

I'm here in Santiago, Chile

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 19:31:00 +0000

I arrived safely, all limbs attached. Got to watch Slumdog Millionaire on the flight, and it was really good. Internet - and everything else - is expensive here, so my time is limited.

Hope everyone is having a good time. It's 85 degrees and sunny, so you know I am!

Going to Santiago

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:47:00 +0000

With the brutality that was Finals Week behind me, I am heading off to my Global Immersion in this program. My destination: Santiago, Chile, where it will hopefully be a sunny 85 degrees for the duration. In the meantime, I can only hope that Pennsylvania gets a bit warmer so it won't be as biting when I get back.

I still don't have an internship. Leaving the country for two weeks when I would otherwise be ramping up my search again doesn't feel like the best use of my time. Particularly when I have more international experience under my belt than 98% of the people in the program. Since it's required, I have no choice. I should also mention that I am being graded on this trip, and there will be assignments that must be handed in.

For real, graded on traveling and meeting business leaders? If I don't get an A on this just by existing, then there is something wrong.

Sauteed Seitan with Mushrooms and Spinach with Stuffed Potatoes on the Side

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:06:00 +0000

I've been going for comfort foods to fill me up during the week. Last week's Chickpea Noodle Soup lasted until Thursday. This week, I'm including a more vegetarian "meat" and potatoes kind of meal. Potatoes do my Irish heart good, and the seitan and mushrooms fill me up without making me hungry later.

While seitan isn't that healthy, being wheat gluten and all, it does have a lot of protein and I think the spinach give it some good nutrients. Next week is finals, so I will need all the quick and easy foods I can get.

Chickpea Noodle Soup

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 01:52:00 +0000

The last time I had chicken noodle soup was in July of 2002. It was gross and made me sick. This version of the feel-good classic is soooo much better. I do love a good chickpea.

The recipe is from the book Veganomicon, and it's essentially, chickpeas, noodles, carrots, onions, mushrooms, spinach and spices. Perfect for the cold weather.

Plan A out the window

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:55:00 +0000

Since the New Year, I have been busting ass networking with as many people in my target companies as possible to get a summer internship. Last week, I had three interviews in four days. And not a one wants to give me an offer. I have been rejected by all my top companies and find myself with no options. All my leads have lead me... nowhere. All that work for no reward.

The rub is that I have been told by at least two companies that I'm a rock star, but that they wanted someone with "marketer" on their resume. I can't put that on there without lying, so it's out of the question. I thought that the whole point of being in a full-time MBA program was so that I could change my career. But how will I get any experience if no one will hire me because I have no experience? It makes no sense!

I'm tired, stressed and this is affecting my health. I am tapped out networking-wise and in serious need of a plan B. I don't know where I can go from here.

What Would Buffy Do?

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 00:45:00 +0000

When the world gets to be a little much, a friend that I've made here and I watch old Buffy episodes as a sort of security blanket. Last semester during finals, we would study for a predetermined set of time and watch a couple of episodes and repeat. We got through the quarter that way.

This weekend, because I was sick, I put off some of my studying to be sick on my couch and watch Buffy. For whatever reason, seasons four and six resonated with me the least when they first came out and so I chose to watch some episodes from those seasons. I think part of the reason I didn't like those seasons at first was because I had to update the website after each one, and so it became more like a chore and not something to look forward to as much. Also, I was posting on a board and I think I let the negativity of some posters ruin it for me. Suffice it to say, those episodes are powerful and resonant today (even if the fashion isn't.)

Season four is about going to college and season six is about growing up, two areas of life that are relevant and still a little scary. I think that responsibility, while wonderful, is always frightening. Will I succeed? What will I do if I fail miserably? How much more of this can I handle? I know I'll be feeling this my whole life. But I also know that there are so many great things about this world, and living in it.

Can't sleep, can't wake up

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:20:00 +0000

When I was much younger, I had problems with insomnia. I would get incredibly tired, but as soon as my head hit my pillow, it would take me at least an hour to actually fall asleep. I tried a lot of different methods and the ones that worked for me were not taking any naps during the day and meditating. For a very long time, I was able to solve it that way.

Unfortunately, since beginning this program it's all come back. I'm still not napping and I try to meditate and that works a little, but I don't even get to bed until midnight most nights because I'm up with the feeling that there's something that needs to get done before I sleep. And there is - I always have a hundred things to do that need to be done now, but sleep really should be more important. And then I wake up to my alarm unable to get out of bed without pressing the snooze button three times. I missed class by an hour yesterday and I never miss class.

So many things are slipping through lately, I can't wait to get my body back on track to where it needs to be in terms of sleep and nutrition.

Comments

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:14:00 +0000

I have been having problems with comments by my usual commenting server, YACCS, for awhile now. Tonight I read that they are going defunct in December anyway.

I have converted to Blogger comments so that I'll still have comments on my blog. Unfortunately, some of the highlights (and hilarious lowlights) will be deleted. For now, I'm authorizing anonymous commenting. Mainly, that is because anonymous people give me good rants. But if it becomes annoying, I will make people log in or not comment at all.

Replying because I can't comment

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 02:08:00 +0000

On my last post some brilliant anonymous commenter (and they always seem to get more and more brilliant when they are anonymous!) opined that I wanted to protect unions because I didn't know about the "dark underbelly" beneath. As if I am just some starry-eyed innocent hippie dancing around the cornfield or something and said anonymous commenter knows man, because he's been in the shit.

People, I lived right outside Philadelphia for god's sake! Of course I know all about union corruption! And I still, to my last breath will defend the rights of workers to organize for better benefits.

Unions are the reason we have two day weekends, eight hour workdays, a large middle class and all the other "rights" you enjoy. And they are pushing the envelope as far as universal health care goes. Do they have a bad side? Sure! Should Congress destroy one of the largest unions in one fell swoop? Hell no! I am all for reforming unions, getting the bad apples out of power and restoring rights to the actual workers. I am not for destroying a centuries-old institution.

And don't imply that I am saying something because I'm freaking stupid.

Bailouts

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:07:00 +0000

I was going back and forth on the big auto bailouts and whether or not I liked them, and then I read this comment on Daily Kos:

The GOP never dreamed it would get to kill a massive part of organized labor and have an entire region of the country completely collapse on the Democratic parties watch to boot, but that is just the opportunity that has arisen for the Limbaugh/Coulter wing of the GOP.

A 25 billion dollar loan, with strings attached mandating the auto industry stay the fuck out of monkeying with healthcare reform and making them go green or else, could save hundreds of billions of dollars in social spending over the next 10 years alone.

10 to 12 million jobs lost, boom!, 200 to 1 trillion dollars in emergency social spending to deal with the collapse's impact on the region, the UAW dead and Wal-Mart the biggest employer in the region, Michigan in full economic collapse and millions of voters ripe for being in play in the next round of the Culture War.

The GOP, and the media pundits who are all clamoring for Obama and the Congress to let the auto industry die will be damning us and running against the Democratic Party as the party that 'Let Michigan Die' or 'Let Detroit Die' for a generation if the auto industry is allowed to die.

The auto industry is 4% of our GDP.

If it goes, thats several years added on to the economic crisis that we face.

I don't exactly read DKos for the comments - occasionally it's like wading in a cesspool, even though it's a community of people I agree with. But this comment was spot on and I got to say, I'm on board now. If we are going to be giving away 700 billion to shortsighted bankers, we could at least shell out a small fraction to help 4% of our GDP and our unions.

I joined Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (Sepra) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 12:07:00 +0000

I suppose it was inevitable, but there are so many events posted on it, I felt like I had no choice. But it's under my real name and everything, so I'm not hard to find.