5.09.2003 ||>
I realize I can't lose. That sounds conceited or arrogant I suppose, but I don't mean it like that in any way. Everytime I lose a fight, and everything with my school has been a fight since I've gotten here, I think "well, there's nothing else to lose." But see, that's the thing I've learned this week, that there is always something else to lose that you never counted on. For instance, I quit my school last week. If you want to know the reason for anything, you won't get it here, but things were bad enough for me to never want to set foot in the school again. I notified Peace Corps and came in to talk. On Monday, the director came to my house and asked me to come back, and I did for her. On Tuesday, I came back to see that the Psycho Bitch Monster of Death took away all my students. Like took away and wouldn't let me teach. Theoretically she doesn't have this power, but since she can't be replaced, it is the reality. So I fought, and I lost. On Thursday, I let it go. With song in my heart and a dance in my step I resolved to lose gracefully and just enjoy the 5 day weekend she gave me despite how much I miss my students.
But remember, I can't lose.
So today Peace Corps called and told me to clear out, that the school called and said that not only do they not want me at the school anymore, but they want me out of the town. Now, the reason for this is that they know given this situation, that I will be able to switch schools. This will make them lose face and make people wonder if they will be the best school after all. They can't have this, so it's better to run me out and say it was their choice than to admit I didn't like their school at all. This would mean I would lose my family, the friends I made here and my shaping class. But who cares about me right? Saving face for them is more important than the fact that they abused me for six months and when I reached my limit, tried to kick me out.
I love Uzbekistan, and I even love my town now that it's grown on me (although that growing has been one hell of a process). I also love most of the people here and the volunteers living here are for the most part cool. I don't know what will happen, but I cannot afford to go quietly into that dark night. I just don't know what else I can lose and I'm scared at how much I still have left to lose.
