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9.18.2004 ||>  

Two months to go before I go back to the USA. Interestingly enough, the pervading thought I have is a memory of sitting on my mother's couch the summer before I came to Uzbekistan thinking, God, I'm going to be in freaking Uzbekistan in a couple of months! That is so weird! Now I'm having the same thoughts about America. I felt like I was in a dream world, and now the feeling has returned. The US is a dream, something that couldn't possibly be reality. Reality is dusty streets and old women muttering in Russian. In distant memory, there was a place where you could find more than two types of toilet paper (the "bad" and "good" kinds) and you could even flush it in any toilet. But that place doesn't exist, right?

Obviously, I've intellectually accepted that I will be gone, possibly forever, from this place very soon. I've started looking for work, and made plans on where I will live in the near future. However, the idea that I will never again see the people I have come to love is crushing. When I go to a party now, or just stay over to hang out, a little voice whispers to me that in two months I will never see them again. So my heart has divorced itself from my brain and decided to take a trip to Denial Land.

And it's not that I don't want to go back to America either. Kind of. There is a lot of freedom and choice there that I probably won't know what to do with but will do my best to enjoy. But, oh Uzbekistan, I will miss you.



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