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5.07.2009 ||> Last project in my first year
Which is great, but it's the second day of an all-day team meeting. I'm tired. But there is a $1000 prize for the winner, so let's see if I can't win. I feel very strongly that I want to really show people that I belong here for a reason.
I also may have found a 1 bedroom in Midtown Manhattan for $1500 per month, which is Very Cheap. We'll see how it goes. I really like to idea of no roommates.
Labels: mba
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Including a couple of doozies. I am desperately trying to get my grades to a 3.5 average so that I feel like I have a chance when I apply next year to Exxon. Otherwise, I think I'm doing pretty good and hopefully will come out with more As than Bs.
I am also looking for a place to live in New York, so we'll see how that goes.
Labels: mba
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And it was good. I totally acted like I belonged and there were no temper tantrums. It was killing two birds with one stone: I showed that I will not be treated that way and I got to be there for my friends!
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The person referenced below, in an attempt to act as middle school as possible, is "hosting" a huge party at the Olive Garden for two of my friends. She invited, I think, every woman in the program... except me.
What else is there to do but crash the party?
I remember the last time this happened. A girl named Mary had a slumber party and invited most of our friends except me. And every time I was around, she made it a point to mention it, or reference something funny that happened during it. Until a couple of friends got mad and told her to shut up. That was in the 9th grade. And it is exactly what is happening here.
My revenge in high school was to go hang out with a friendly group of seniors and juniors, which was fun and made Mary eat her heart out. My revenge with this (31 year old woman!) is to just be really nice to everyone, have a good time and do well in school and on my internship. I think living well is the best way to be when other people are throwing shit at you.
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Before coming to MBA school, I have been in two abusive relationships. The first was with a boyfriend when I was 18 and the second was with my first counterpart in the Peace Corps. They were both different patterns of abuse, but down at the most basic level, all abuse is about control. As anyone who has ever known me can attest, I have a deep-seated hatred of being controlled in any fashion.
So, I made a friend when I came to business school, and I was lonely and wanted a friend. Despite my misgivings, I got sucked into her orbit and was her friend for about 7 months. Then, early March, we got into a fight (as we seemed to do once every couple of months or so) and something in me changed. I was going through a low point and couldn't deal with her anymore, so I cut her off. And the more I cut her off, the crazier she got. I had already dealt with her lying, her misrepresenting me and my other friends and her wild mood swings, but this was like all of Sybil's 13 personalities all came out at once.
So, I did what I am accustomed to doing when faced with a troubling situation with another person, and consulted the emotional abuse checklist. She fits most of the criteria. Here is a sample that I could answer "yes" to:
- Is jealous of other friends, and will insult people you like.
- Wants control of clothing, opinions and decisions.
- You have feelings of dread and that you are walking on eggshells.
- Claims to have power you don't and that if you misbehave, they will punish you.
- After abuse, will become increasingly affectionate, and express so much sorrow and self-hate that you end up comforting them.
- Lies about insignificant things.
- Makes contradictory demands.
- Does unrequested favors and then gets angry and hurt when you don't reciprocate.
- Says negative things about a trait you like about yourself.
- Insists that all you have in the world is them.
That is actually a culled sample. I can answer more. The thing is, that there are very few resources for a toxic friendship, and the prevailing advice is just to cut off contact with that friend. A little hard to do when they will be in the same program as you for another year.
The thing that makes me really uneasy is that she has threatened me in the past, and she is getting crazier and crazier the more I have cut her out of my life. She had three conversations last week with a mutual friend about how I was cutting her out of a meeting with a professor after she told me I had to do a group assignment on my own. Nothing my friend could say could make a dent, because she kept going into circular logic.
I'm really at a loss, but it just proves again that if I listened to my gut in the first place, none of this would have happened.
Labels: friends, mba, peace corps
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This past week has been pure hell. I have no internship, extra classes and PSU decided to add all the reading-heavy classes this quarter. The professors decided to front-load all assignments so that everything was due either Friday or Monday, so this weekend was shot.
I had an interview in Wilmington yesterday, and caught a ride there and back, which meant that I woke up at 3am to go there and got back around 7pm. Then I walked around like a zombie until I crashed at a friend's at 10pm. There is no time to do anything, and this economy is making finding an internship so hard. And yet Smeal has no interest in helping out the students.
I came back from Chile a hollowed out shell of my former self. I was so stressed I wasn't able to even appreciate Spring Break and now I'm back in the thick of things, not caring how anything goes. But it's interesting to be so stressed out and not feeling anything at the same time. Not an experience I ever really want to repeat.
Are there any jobs out there where I can just sit on the beach with a coconut that has a straw sticking out of it? Sitting on the beach with Dara in Phuket was one of my more relaxed states of being, and something I want desperately to get back to.
Labels: mba
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I got this bean mix from Wegmans. A co-op dedicated to lifting women up from poverty and establishing independence has their members create it as a fund raising tool. It seems tasty so far, and I definitely need to get protein into my system, for my health. Also, because a day without eating onions caramelized in a good sherry is like a day without rainbows. Try it, and you'll know what I mean.
I also thought that buying and making something good today could mitigate the fact that I might be selling my soul for an internship. It's under negotiation.
Labels: mba, vegetarianism
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For the last week or so, I have had a massive throat infection that did not go away with anibiotics or the pain medication I was taking. It still hurts. So, I went to the doctor today who said that my tonsils were inflamed.
Tonsils? I had those out when I was a kid.
Apparently, I have one mutant tonsil that grew back to a fraction of its size and it's inflamed and hurting. The other one is just a stub. Luckily, it's just viral so as soon as I get better, I'll get better. The problem is that it's tough to get all the rest I need in the MBA program. They really like to grind you down so that the easiest thing grows into a wicked sickness.
Labels: mba
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You know how, in the Southern Hemisphere, water runs in a different direction. I felt as if both water and my luck turned in Chile. It's not Chile's fault, not really, but there was an undeniable string of mishaps that happened to myself and my friends on the whole trip.
On the first night, my purse was snatched.
On the second night my friend C sprained her ankle and had to go to the hospital.
On the third night, my friends and I had a massive fight and I refused to speak to them on the fourth day. (It got resolved).
On the fifth day, I was stricken down with a massive throat infection. (Which I haven't had since my tonsils were removed as a child.)
On the sixth day, I was scammed in a taxi on the way to the clinic (which I got out of using a winning combination of guilt and fury). Because of a screw up and some jerkiness on the part of the coordinators, I also had to go alone to the clinic, where there was no English spoken. And HTH set me up with a gastroenterologist for a throat infection. Nice.
On the seventh day, my other friend E got stricken with the same infection, her insurance had run out and she had just gotten out of the hospital for other throat related complications. That night, we were also scammed again by a couple of taxis.
So, last Saturday, I gave a rousing speech to my friends and told them that we were changing our tickets and going home. None of this sticking it out nonsense. They cheered and I went to change the tickets. Luckily, we ended up saving money by not staying a week and paying the change fee.
I am bummed though. I feel like I did the right thing, but that also I failed to give Chile a chance as well. It's confusing.
Labels: friends, mba, vacation
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In the Peace Corps Uzbekistan, my safety and security officer was named Alijon. Alijon's key phrase was always 'Be vigilant.' Always know your surroundings and watch the people around you for both guidance and warning signs.
My first night in Santiago, I totally failed Alijon. I was walking with a group of friends when a boy snatched my purse (attached to my wrist) and ran off with it. I just reacted out of instinct and ran after him shouting, 'Help me' in Spanish. I guess he got nervous, so he threw the purse under a bench and I was able to retrieve it.
I want to be clear that I don't believe I was any physical danger at any time. What embarasses and angers me is that it was a crime of opportunity. The boy thought it would be safe and easy to take my purse from me. And, in a way, it was. I was with my friends, I was looking at everything around me and I wasn't being vigilant. I didn't notice that almost every woman on the street had a purse with a long strap hanging crosswise down across the body, or that we were in place that was seedy at best, or even that we were being too loud in a group - in English.
I don't know why that is. Why, after seven years of traveling all over, did I get to be the easy mark? I think it was being a bit cocky and in the moment that did me in. But, I'll tell you on thing: it reaffirmed all the things I do everyday that keep me safe. I'm going back to the long-strapped purses and the base level of paranoia I get in large groups or crowded, public spaces.
I promise from now on that my new watchword is vigilance.
Labels: mba, peace corps, vacation
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I arrived safely, all limbs attached. Got to watch Slumdog Millionaire on the flight, and it was really good. Internet - and everything else - is expensive here, so my time is limited.
Hope everyone is having a good time. It's 85 degrees and sunny, so you know I am!
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With the brutality that was Finals Week behind me, I am heading off to my Global Immersion in this program. My destination: Santiago, Chile, where it will hopefully be a sunny 85 degrees for the duration. In the meantime, I can only hope that Pennsylvania gets a bit warmer so it won't be as biting when I get back.
I still don't have an internship. Leaving the country for two weeks when I would otherwise be ramping up my search again doesn't feel like the best use of my time. Particularly when I have more international experience under my belt than 98% of the people in the program. Since it's required, I have no choice. I should also mention that I am being graded on this trip, and there will be assignments that must be handed in.
For real, graded on traveling and meeting business leaders? If I don't get an A on this just by existing, then there is something wrong.
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Since the New Year, I have been busting ass networking with as many people in my target companies as possible to get a summer internship. Last week, I had three interviews in four days. And not a one wants to give me an offer. I have been rejected by all my top companies and find myself with no options. All my leads have lead me... nowhere. All that work for no reward.
The rub is that I have been told by at least two companies that I'm a rock star, but that they wanted someone with "marketer" on their resume. I can't put that on there without lying, so it's out of the question. I thought that the whole point of being in a full-time MBA program was so that I could change my career. But how will I get any experience if no one will hire me because I have no experience? It makes no sense!
I'm tired, stressed and this is affecting my health. I am tapped out networking-wise and in serious need of a plan B. I don't know where I can go from here.
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When I was much younger, I had problems with insomnia. I would get incredibly tired, but as soon as my head hit my pillow, it would take me at least an hour to actually fall asleep. I tried a lot of different methods and the ones that worked for me were not taking any naps during the day and meditating. For a very long time, I was able to solve it that way.
Unfortunately, since beginning this program it's all come back. I'm still not napping and I try to meditate and that works a little, but I don't even get to bed until midnight most nights because I'm up with the feeling that there's something that needs to get done before I sleep. And there is - I always have a hundred things to do that need to be done now, but sleep really should be more important. And then I wake up to my alarm unable to get out of bed without pressing the snooze button three times. I missed class by an hour yesterday and I never miss class.
So many things are slipping through lately, I can't wait to get my body back on track to where it needs to be in terms of sleep and nutrition.
Labels: mba
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Sorry for the lack of posting, but I've had bronchitis for the past week and a half. It's getting better, but all I wanted to do was rest, and I was unable to for the last week. I'll try to post more soon, but for now, I'm just trying to get by.
Labels: mba
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My dad loved to tell me and my sister about how he conspired revenge on my grandmother, Margaret, by having us kids call her "Grandma Maggie" but now I have a new use for it. One of my new friends here has the same name and it's pretty funny whenever I get frustrated, and am like, "Alright Grandma Maggie, let's move it along here." It's hilarious how much she hates it. But she knows I say it with love.
Labels: mba
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That headline is a joke, obviously.
I'm in Stamford, Connecticut this weekend at the Women's MBA Career Fair in the hopes of getting a summer internship. I would really like to get placed in a Marketing Leadership Program and so really tried to hit the more international companies with those programs.
I was feeling a little down on myself recently because I feel that with the stresses of the MBA program academically, I haven't dedicated myself 100% to my goals of getting a job, which in the MBA program begins with an internship. I think I surprised myself a little bit today because I was able to get an interview with one of the top consumer products companies in the country and another mini-interview with one of the largest energy companies in the world. I am also definitely focusing on large companies in my job search because I feel like they have a corporate culture that is better for me than smaller companies given to cults of personality.
The week before this past one was dedicated to careers. We were between quarters so it's called a "career immersion," which was essentially 5 days of seminars for the full day all about working on our career. At the end of it, I wanted to drive a stake into my brain, but I think certain aspects helped me. I have been working on my "brand" which is really my look and presentation and I got a much better response than when I was looking for a job a few years back.
So, with my feet much sorer and my voice hoarser, I feel much more accomplished, and in a better position to fulfill my goals.
Labels: mba
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I'm on a mod system, which means I have two finals weeks per semester. I'll let you know when I come up for air. Right now, I'm a lovely shade of blue.
Labels: mba
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Things due next week alone:
1. Case analysis of Pepsi's current state and recommendations for sustainable development due tomorrow.
2. 2 minute speech on overcoming a bad boss, due Monday.
3. Study for my accounting midterm on Tuesday.
4. About 100 pages of reading for next week.
5. Getting new software for my statistics class
6. Work on my interviewing questions for the career fair on Thursday.
7. Flyers for Women's MBA event on September 25.
It's tough being a future captain of industry.
Labels: mba
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The past week has been busy to say the least. As an illustration, I just found time to unpack my dishes. Previously, I had not had that time available.
I have a hellacious amount of homework, and my classes are full steam ahead with some more difficult than others.
I have not been able to sleep, in part because Tony isn't here, and also because my mind is so occupied with school that it races as soon as I relax. It doesn't have time to process information, and so the only time to do that is when I go to bed. A cure for insomnia, I have found, is my statistics book. It is possible the most boring thing I have ever read.
I won't get another break until November. Sigh.
Labels: mba
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I'm out here at business school for preterm, and it is so busy, I barely have time to think. I don't think one night I have been able to just make dinner, or go to bed on time. There's meeting new classmates, studying accounting and running around campus like a chicken with my head cut off in between sessions of orientation.
I still don't have internet, and it's a long story about why. I am getting it today, hopefully.
The one thing that really amazed me was how friendly almost everyone has been. I thought, what with it being business school, that people would be more cliquey and competitive and that it would be a more negative experience. So far, it's been all big smiles and requests for phone numbers. It's been very happy so far in that regard, because the Peace Corps group I was with was not very friendly as a whole. I find it interesting because people who were trying to make the world a better place were much more negative (generally) than the people who are future captains of industry.
Isn't the world a funny place?
The hardest part is being away from Tony. I'm not used to coming home to an empty place, and the phone calls are cut down so I miss that during the day. He's coming in about a half hour, so I hope we will have some good quality time. I am really looking forward to seeing him again. I'm also missing my kitty terribly, and Tony has said that she's obviously missing me. She's destroying his apartment and otherwise being a brat. We were expecting that as well, so it's no big surprise.
Hopefully I'll be able to write more, but I need a chance to breathe first.
Labels: mba
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Pre-term classes haven't even started and already I have homework! I had to do a couple balance sheets, an income statement and figure out retained income. It was due today and I just sent it in.
Complaining aside, I'm actually grateful for the early-early homework. I've never taken a financial or accounting class in my life, so it's good to get ready for all my grad classes.
Labels: mba
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Today is the beginning of the end of work. I have been looking forward to my summer vacation for awhile now. To be honest, I have some serious money worries and have been second-guessing my decision to quit so early. I know I made the right decision for my own sanity, and that this will give me the ability to get super organized before the move since I will have so little time to unpack when I move in -- about two days at best.
In response, Tony has offered me $40 to do his laundry once a week, so at least I will have something. Actually, for awhile now, Tony has been paying me to fold his laundry. We have always done our own laundry, and it's not even one of those tasks that would be easily synced. But he hates folding, and about a month or so ago, he offered me $15 in hopes that I would do it. And I did, but once I figured out that it was about an hour, I increased the price to $20. My time is more valuable than that. So now it will be $40 for washing and folding about three loads a week, which is nothing, really.
I would still be willing to do my job on a semi-part time basis for the next couple of weeks for some extra cash, but I am afraid that "part-time" would magically turn into "full-time" for less money, so I am a bit afraid to go there. And since my boss isn't offering, I haven't discussed it. So for now, there will be that $40 tax free, and that's it.
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So, I turned in my two weeks on Friday. Friday's the best anyway, because it gives your boss a good amount of time to think about what you need to do before you leave. And, it went well.
I was super nervous about sending in my resignation. At the last minute, I was totally unsure that I should be doing this. So, I closed my eyes very tightly and hit "send." And then I walked over to put the hard copies in the proper mailboxes. After that, there was a nail biting hour wait until I received the replies.
I wanted to be a fly on the wall for the reaction shot, but of course I couldn't be. Apparently, my boss was shocked that I am leaving, but my former supervisor is really happy for me and admitted that it is one hell of an opportunity. Since then, word has spread incredibly fast, and for that I'm a bit glad. We have a tendency to keep information, any information, close to the chest in my department, and I have always thought that transparency was the best policy. (Also, the more people know, the more likely it is that I will get cake before I go.)
Overall, people have said that they will miss me, but they are also very happy for me. It has been a really positive experience so far and I am hopeful that no bridges were burned. As much as I know I need to move on, I wanted to do it all the right way and make sure that no one thought less of me for how I exited. And now, it's onward and upward!
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I have been counting down the days until I resign from work since I was accepted into the MBA program. I'm doing it tomorrow and then two weeks until my summer vacation starts!
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I have been pretty down in the dumps lately, and I'm not sure why. I got accepted to the school of my choice, and I will be quitting this job in a couple short months.
I think one of the things that's bumming me out is that Tony will no longer be living with me. Originally, Penn State was my first choice because Tony had work in the town, State College. But it's not where his primary work is, and so we decided that we should split the living arrangements. It's weird because our relationship seems to be going in the wrong order. Couples are supposed to live apart, and after a couple years move in together. We have been living together since the second week and now, after a couple years, we are moving away from each other.
My grandma died recently as well, and while we weren't close, I did visit her in the nursing home, and I have at least one great memory of her. She had a really hard life, and it ended with a difficult and slow death. I think it has made me feel off balance.
I should be relaxing now, saving money and waiting for the fall, and for whatever reason I cannot do this. It is making me crazy.
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It looks like I might matriculate with Penn State after all. I got a GMAT score of 620 - and I needed a 600 to get in!
Suck it, GMAT! I'm done, and ready to live again.
Labels: mba
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I would punch it in the face.
That's all!
Labels: mba
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Penn State University says that it will accept me if I can bring my GMAT score up to 600. If I get above 650, I will be eligible for financial aid. Penn State was my first choice, and actually, the only school I have applied to so far. It's in the top 50 of the rankings and it's in a place where Snuggles can live and be close to work so we can still live together.
I will be taking the GMAT for the third time in March, so keep your fingers crossed!
When I was a kid, my sister and I decided that we did not want to go to college at the same school. I was going to go to the University of Arizona and she was insistent that she was going to Penn State and I was not to go there.
Oops.
Labels: mba
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I have to take the GMAT again, and I really hope this time will be different than the last two. I am taking a fancy-schmancy Kaplan course that costs more than my plane ticket to Malaysia did, and I hope it's worth it.
Basically, it comes down to: #1 school likes me, and it would be a slam dunk acceptance, except that they hate my score. So they may make me either take a class or retake the GMAT as a condition upon acceptance. But even if they admit me without needing to retake the GMAT, I may not qualify for scholarships with my current score. So I am willing to pony up for the GMAT once more in order to get more money down the line when I'll need it the most.
Either way, there's no other way around it. I have to retake the dumbest test in the world. Suck.
Labels: mba
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The deadline for Penn State's early decision looms on December 1st, and I have a date with the GMAT on November 26. I have three application essays to write and bare my soul on, a GMAT to study for, and this month I will also be flying to Malaysia and getting my plumbing checked before I go.
It reminds me of that commercial with the guy sitting at his desk screaming, "Busy Bee! Busy Bee!" Crunch time sucks.
Labels: mba
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I'm taking the test again, because of math. Math is stupid. If it weren't for math, I would have kicked this test's ass and sent it home crying to its mama.
Total Score: 560 (56th percentile)
Verbal Score: 37 (82nd percentile)
Math Score: 30 (30th percentile)
Writing Score: 5.5 (83rd percentile)
Note that the verbal and writing scores are Ivy League level, and would make Harvard and Wharton lay out the welcome mat. Unfortunately, the math score tells people that I shouldn't be let within 100 feet of a math problem, and it took my score and made it average.
My next test is on November 26. I am only studying math this time around.
Labels: mba
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Last Saturday, I went to the testing center to take my GMAT exam. The GMAT is important for getting into a business school, and it is $250, so I took it very seriously. As I was instructed, I didn't study the night before and came in well before the test began. And that's where it all went sour.
Apparently, the "system" was "updating" and I was forced to wait with 10 other people from 8:20 until 11:40. During that time, one of workers put their the regional manager on speaker phone where he was heard to have informed the guy to tell us to go home, in order to make room for the next group, after we had already waited a long time.
After it was clear that no testing was to be done that day, we were promised a phone call by a guy named Jeremiah and that the testing center would be open on Sunday the 14th.
None of the people at the testing center got a phone call as we were promised and I spent a horrible afternoon and evening wondering if I would be able to take the test on Sunday. Later that evening, I happened to check my email and noticed that I had been automatically re-registered for the test on Sunday. No one had contacted me or asked me if this was okay. As it happens, I came down with food poisoning, so it would not have been alright.
Nervous about the test and feeling forced to take it even thought I didn't feel well, I came in despite severe stomach cramping and was forced to wait an additional 2 hours as the system still wasn't available. I couldn't believe that there had obviously been little done to make our testing experience run smoothly.
Unfortunately, before I could take the test, I fainted from the stress and stomach pain and had to be taken to the ER.
I am ok now health-wise, but that was only the beginning of the Week from Hell. I am rescheduled to take it Monday, which is upsetting for a variety of reasons. But I will study today, hold off tomorrow. Wish me luck for Monday!
Labels: mba
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Hard to believe it's been a month since I have last posted. But there was the first week of July when I had my best friend and my family converge on me. Then, the second week, dealing with work and how ambivalent I have felt about it as of late. Studying for the GMAT. Oh, and Harry Potter dying! He dies, right? Just kidding.
So my real-life old friend is having a baby shortly, and my Internet old friend is having a baby soon (one hopes, for his wife). Snuggles' work friends are all having babies as well. Having been an avid fan of dooce.com for years now, and reading tangentially about the crying and the lack of sleep and the Mommy Wars (which sound uncomfortably like Witch Wars), I am a bit grateful to be a DINK. Ironically, that was my sister's nickname as a kid, and she was the first to reproduce, and quickly at that. Goes to show how some parental influence never sticks.
I now have a good reason to check the water.
But on to the Boy Who Lived. I saw him in both theatrical and book format this month, and I liked both. JK Rowling really knocked the last book out of the park, and the ending really reminded me about a book I was supposed to read in college for a Buddhism class. All the right themes are discussed in Joseph Campbell's Hero of 1000 Faces, if you care about what makes a good story about heroes. When I have seen the "Harry Potter is Jesus" and Narnia comparisons recently, I start shaking my head at the Internets.
"No, no, no," I say, "This all goes back much farther, and here's the definitive account."
But I don't really post on fan site message boards anymore, having learned That Lesson. For a better reason, go to this journalfen blog about Harry Potter fandom in the early 'aughts. But only if you have several hours. When I read it, I stayed up until 2am, transfixed at the sheer soapy drama emanating from the story. I couldn't pull myself away.
I will try to write more in August.
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