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5.26.2009 ||> Memorial Day and beyond
After a weekend of Memorial Day partying,Tony and I are settled back into his apartment and trying to get errands done before I go to New York. I'm still a bit apprehensive to tell the truth because I still don't know when or how I'm coming to the place I'll be in for the next three months. But I'm also really excited, because I think New York is going to be really fun.
This last weekend we went to two friends' houses, and they couldn't be more different. The first was with people Tony had grown up with in their beautifully decorated, spotless home. The second was with his college friends in their house that is like Tony's ultimate dream of a fixer upper. I really liked both, and it really shows that it doesn't matter where you live, or how, but the people. And that there is beauty to be found in different living situations.
Labels: friends, holiday, vacation
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And it was good. I totally acted like I belonged and there were no temper tantrums. It was killing two birds with one stone: I showed that I will not be treated that way and I got to be there for my friends!
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The person referenced below, in an attempt to act as middle school as possible, is "hosting" a huge party at the Olive Garden for two of my friends. She invited, I think, every woman in the program... except me.
What else is there to do but crash the party?
I remember the last time this happened. A girl named Mary had a slumber party and invited most of our friends except me. And every time I was around, she made it a point to mention it, or reference something funny that happened during it. Until a couple of friends got mad and told her to shut up. That was in the 9th grade. And it is exactly what is happening here.
My revenge in high school was to go hang out with a friendly group of seniors and juniors, which was fun and made Mary eat her heart out. My revenge with this (31 year old woman!) is to just be really nice to everyone, have a good time and do well in school and on my internship. I think living well is the best way to be when other people are throwing shit at you.
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Before coming to MBA school, I have been in two abusive relationships. The first was with a boyfriend when I was 18 and the second was with my first counterpart in the Peace Corps. They were both different patterns of abuse, but down at the most basic level, all abuse is about control. As anyone who has ever known me can attest, I have a deep-seated hatred of being controlled in any fashion.
So, I made a friend when I came to business school, and I was lonely and wanted a friend. Despite my misgivings, I got sucked into her orbit and was her friend for about 7 months. Then, early March, we got into a fight (as we seemed to do once every couple of months or so) and something in me changed. I was going through a low point and couldn't deal with her anymore, so I cut her off. And the more I cut her off, the crazier she got. I had already dealt with her lying, her misrepresenting me and my other friends and her wild mood swings, but this was like all of Sybil's 13 personalities all came out at once.
So, I did what I am accustomed to doing when faced with a troubling situation with another person, and consulted the emotional abuse checklist. She fits most of the criteria. Here is a sample that I could answer "yes" to:
- Is jealous of other friends, and will insult people you like.
- Wants control of clothing, opinions and decisions.
- You have feelings of dread and that you are walking on eggshells.
- Claims to have power you don't and that if you misbehave, they will punish you.
- After abuse, will become increasingly affectionate, and express so much sorrow and self-hate that you end up comforting them.
- Lies about insignificant things.
- Makes contradictory demands.
- Does unrequested favors and then gets angry and hurt when you don't reciprocate.
- Says negative things about a trait you like about yourself.
- Insists that all you have in the world is them.
That is actually a culled sample. I can answer more. The thing is, that there are very few resources for a toxic friendship, and the prevailing advice is just to cut off contact with that friend. A little hard to do when they will be in the same program as you for another year.
The thing that makes me really uneasy is that she has threatened me in the past, and she is getting crazier and crazier the more I have cut her out of my life. She had three conversations last week with a mutual friend about how I was cutting her out of a meeting with a professor after she told me I had to do a group assignment on my own. Nothing my friend could say could make a dent, because she kept going into circular logic.
I'm really at a loss, but it just proves again that if I listened to my gut in the first place, none of this would have happened.
Labels: friends, mba, peace corps
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You know how, in the Southern Hemisphere, water runs in a different direction. I felt as if both water and my luck turned in Chile. It's not Chile's fault, not really, but there was an undeniable string of mishaps that happened to myself and my friends on the whole trip.
On the first night, my purse was snatched.
On the second night my friend C sprained her ankle and had to go to the hospital.
On the third night, my friends and I had a massive fight and I refused to speak to them on the fourth day. (It got resolved).
On the fifth day, I was stricken down with a massive throat infection. (Which I haven't had since my tonsils were removed as a child.)
On the sixth day, I was scammed in a taxi on the way to the clinic (which I got out of using a winning combination of guilt and fury). Because of a screw up and some jerkiness on the part of the coordinators, I also had to go alone to the clinic, where there was no English spoken. And HTH set me up with a gastroenterologist for a throat infection. Nice.
On the seventh day, my other friend E got stricken with the same infection, her insurance had run out and she had just gotten out of the hospital for other throat related complications. That night, we were also scammed again by a couple of taxis.
So, last Saturday, I gave a rousing speech to my friends and told them that we were changing our tickets and going home. None of this sticking it out nonsense. They cheered and I went to change the tickets. Luckily, we ended up saving money by not staying a week and paying the change fee.
I am bummed though. I feel like I did the right thing, but that also I failed to give Chile a chance as well. It's confusing.
Labels: friends, mba, vacation
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On every road trip we go to, the return trip is always taken in a different direction than how we begin. That way, we get a different adventure both times. The weekend of the 4th, Tony had the idea to go to Centralia, PA, which is an old mining town that was evacuated and demolished in the 80s because of a coal mine fire that is set to burn under the town for 250 years. You might be more familiar with it than you think if you watched the movie Silent Hill. The fictional town was based n Centralia.
It was pretty eerie, and I've been to ghost towns before on field trips in school. It was like we were entering the beginning of a horror movie, where the kids go on a trip for some kicks and get dismembered by the guy in the mask. Of course, since we didn't do any drugs or have sex there, we survived.
There was this part of the highway that had been so ruined by the fire that it had to be closed down and another highway was created in its place. So, of course, Tony wanted to find the old highway and walk down it. It was pretty cool, and obviously lots of kids used it, as was indicated by the spray paint all over the old asphalt (Look Here if UR GAY!!! or "Welcum to Hel"). The part where the street was ruined was very hot, and sort of reminded me of the post-apocalyptic movies where people walk down the now abandoned roads in the faint hope they will find more survivors. (Anyone else going to Boulder, CO if that happens?)Then we saw a Black Bear and booked it out of there before we all got eaten.
But over all, it was a great trip. We all had headaches for days. Because the fire was burning up coal without a filter, we were inhaling mercury and arsenic as well as the soot. I don't know how the people who live there (Population: 11) do it.
Labels: friends, holiday, vacation
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When I am going on a trip, I usually try to bring my camera this weekend. This weekend was a perfect example of why I like to do that, so of course I forgot the damn thing and have no pictures.
On Friday Tony and I took a road trip into central-eastern Pennsylvania, which is incredibly rural. Like, cue the dueling banjos rural. His old college friend was having a wedding reception/4th of July celebration/pig roast at his... compound. I really don't know how else to describe it. It was in the middle of nowhere. It took us one country highway, then an off road dirt path. Then, we had to park in a field and go by foot down another dirt path to get there. Then, as soon as we did, it was like... the most beautiful lodge ever. Next to a lake, there was this beautiful log building, fire pits and abundant greenery everywhere.
I don't know how they got all the food there, but there was wine, sangria, margarita machines, a beer wagon. For food, I was not interested in the pig roast, but there was table upon table stacked with food. I gorged myself on spaghetti, brownies, chocolate-covered strawberries, rice pilaf, and salad.
We were there for about 7 and a half hours total, beginning around lunch time and ending at 11 pm after the private firework show. I have to say that it was the most amazing thing I've seen in a long time. We were about 15 feet from where the fireworks went off and it lasted about 45 minutes, with about four finales. Tony estimated that they probably spent about ten thousand dollars on the fireworks.
It was the nicest 4th of July I've spent in a long time and it just kept getting better. We left the party still going, and called a hotel that night. It was like nothing could go wrong that day, and it was amazing.
Labels: friends, holiday, vacation
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Last Friday - Last day at work! I got totally shit faced at a happy hour and botched about my abusive boss. I finally got it off my chest: she was not as hot as she thought, as no one with a waddle can be classified as "hot" in my humble opinion.
Last Saturday - Nursed hangover. Oh, it was bad. I pissed Tony off while drunk, but we worked it out.
Last Sunday - Sat around and watched movies.
Monday - Sat around some more.
Tuesday - Started playing an old DOS computer game that I bought in the 90's.
Wednesday - Added RAM to my computer and got further in the computer game.
Thursday - Won the computer game!
Friday - Cleaned up a bit. Hung out with Tony. He's been super stressed at work, so I wanted to focus on him.
Saturday - Road trip! With shopping! But not for me....
Sunday - More shopping! We bought Lina a kitty leash. As anticipated, she hates it. But she will learn to love it.
I feel so much better...
Labels: friends, vacation, work
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Amy tagged me in this post, so I am going to answer the questions... I don't usually do these memes, but the questions were interesting, so here are the answers.
I'm not going to tag anyone though. Sorry.
The Meme
1. Post the rules of the game at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.
What were you doing five years ago?
5 years ago I was in the Peace Corps in Uzbekistan. I was teaching high school kids English and working at summer camps.
What are five things on your to-do list for today?
1. Shower
2. Answer a questionnaire sent by the grad school
3 and 4. Take and send a picture of myself to grad school
5. Relax
What are five snacks you enjoy?
I don't really snack. I try to eat enough at each meal so that I don't get hungry in between. So here are my favorite "snack foods," but I usually eat them at meals.
1. Fruit
2. Flat Earth Tomato Ranch chips
3. Pickles
4. Reece's Peanut Butter Cups
5. Baby carrots
What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. I would probably still be getting my MBA. I just wouldn't worry so much about money.
2. I would set up a charity like George Soros' Open Society Institute, that hires locals to work on democracy-related issues in countries in Eastern Europe and Central Asia.
3. I would help out on the Obama campaign.
4. Travel all over. I would definitely go see Dara again in Singapore (when she gets back from Vietnam) and take Tony to Germany.
5. Build the best kitty jungle gym ever.
What are five of your bad habits?
1. Like Amy, I talk loud and a lot.
2. I don't keep up with my friends like I should.
3. Leaving my crap all over the place. I can get pretty messy.
4. I never cut my toenails.
5. I have a lead foot when driving.
What are five places where you have lived?
1. Tashkent, Uzbekistan
2. Phoenix, Arizona
3. Tucson, Arizona
4. Paoli, PA
5. Exton, PA
What are five jobs you’ve had?
1. McDonald's Crewperson
2. Door to Door Salesperson
3. Freelance Webdesigner
4. Peace Corps Volunteer
5. Provider Relations Specialist
Those are some of the jobs that have meant the most to me, and taught me a lot of what I know about working.
And I'm done!
Labels: friends
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I have been wearing contacts for the last week to try out a new non-drying brand for my eyes, so I brought out my sunglasses. Tony thinks they are ridiculous, but I think he looks fabulous in them. Thoughts?
Labels: friends
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When we first decided to move in together into my tiny, tiny apartment, Snuggles and I have done battle over one chore: the dishes. I hate them and he hates them. My compromise was getting a dishwasher. He hated the idea because our kitchen is very small, but since I would rather be cramped than cooking with a sink full of dishes that have rotting food in them, I forced his hand. Since getting our dishwasher a some months ago, we have not had one major fight. Maybe a tiff, but nothing loud or depressing.
Our dishwasher looks like a professional grade microwave, and only does one rack of dishes. But that's fine for us. We just run it at night after dinner and it cleans all but the largest pots and pans. It isn't so big that dishes sit and isn't so small that we can't fit our plates.
I knew I made the right choice in forcing the issue when, after the first cycle of dishes were done, Snuggles told me that I had been right all along and getting the diswasher was the smartest decision we made for the apartment, after updating the lighting.
That kind of thing truly makes the heart melt.
Labels: friends
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On the feminist internets lately, there has been much to do about cat calling and other truly obnoxious things guys do to women while they are simply waliking down the street. Asking me to "Smile!" is possibly the most obnoxious thing I have ever encountered, basically because it never takes into account how I may be feeling, but is all about smiling on command for some dude so he feels better about himself. But, I have been catcalled numerous times and find it generally infuriating.
Well, no thank you.
Yesterday, Snuggles was driving around with all his landscaper crews near the Pennsylvania State University. And they were... excited... to see "all the pretty ladies" walking around campus. So Snuggles told them all that, as their boss, he was not to hear any catcalling and that it was against the law.
That was a lie, but I am glad to see more men admonishing others to keep their mouths closed. Thanks, sweetie!
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On my birthday, it is a tradition for me to wear some sort of headgear. Usually, it is a tiara. I bought my last birthday tiara a couple of years ago at the Renaissance Festival, and wore it last year, despite the fact that my boyfriend and coworkers thought it was stupid. In fact, this year, they tried to cut me off at the pass by saying that they were afraid people will mock me. Which is pretty stupid when I think of all the names people have called me to my face and behind my back in my 28 years, "bitch" being the most prominent.
If I wear a crown on my special day to hearken back to childhood or whatnot, so what? The woman sitting in the cubicle on my right wears a belt buckle that says ELVIS in bright sequins, and I think she's fabulous. Why shouldn't I be allowed excess one day a year?
So screw 'em! Except that after all the fighting about it, I forgot the damn thing anyway until I was at work. Rather than lose a parking spot, I resigned myself to tiara-less obscurity this time. But... watch out, 2008!
After I got home, Snuggles had prepared me a birthday table with presents and cards that he had been filching from the mailbox before I got home. It was gorgeous, with two kinds of torts and the presents all wrapped in different colors. The balloons led me in to the entire display. Obviously, the man put a ton of thought into it and it was greatly appreciated.
As for the loot: I got some kitchen appliances that I wanted, a book and a journal with some barbecue sauce as a joke. I loved the cards, and put them up on the bookshelves, with the cards made by the neices on the fridge.
I'm not sure about this steady march towards 30 just yet, but if this birthday is any sign, then I am sure I will like it.
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Monday morning, my co-worker sent me an email that said:
This will make you crazy:
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=22113
I had never heard of The Impossible Quiz before, and now I kind of wish I hadn't. It is really difficult and requires a lot of unconventional thinking. But I still think it's easier than the GMAT. Can I take this quiz instead?
If you have never played it before, go ahead and try it! Tell me how you do. I'm on question 86 now... and hoping to get to the end of it soon.
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Last month, I made a promise to myself to socialize more and reach out to family and friends. I don't reach out very well, for lots of reasons, but I was trying to make more of an effort to blog, to chat on the phone and whatnot. Out of that, I was able to get pictures of Amb's little baby boy and he is quite a charmer, as a newborn and I am sure will be just as awesome as his father.
But here is my story of last week, and I am sure everyone can understand why I have been incommunicado.
When Snuggles was a kid, he spent a lot of time with his grandmother, who is German, and so he calls her Grossmutti (I hope I spelled that right). She was like a second mother to him and one of the people he most looked up to int he world. Last Friday, she died. In her 90's this was becoming more and more expected, but like the death of my father, it came as a shock nevertheless.
As an aside, just because it is expected, it doesn't mean that it hurts less. I knew my dad's time was coming to a close, but it still didn't stop me from spiraling downward and lashing out in my grief when it did happen. I still can't view him without complex layers of emotion: anger, grief, love and regret are all components.
To make matters worse, an aunt on his father's side, also in her 90's passed on this week. He wasn't particularly close to this aunt, but when someone is already grieving, what would make one normally sad tends to propel them into even further depths. He was unable to attend either funeral. We are in another town today and couldn't attend the aunt's funeral, and his passport has expired, so he could not make it to his Grossmutti's funeral in Germany, much to his own dismay.
I have been trying to draw on my experience with loss and grief, but cannot seem to do anything to help. Death is such a difficult thing: there's only so much a person can do for someone experiencing a loved one passing. So I have been here for him, and not really doing much else but work. What else is there to be done?
Labels: family, friends, germany
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Hard to believe it's been a month since I have last posted. But there was the first week of July when I had my best friend and my family converge on me. Then, the second week, dealing with work and how ambivalent I have felt about it as of late. Studying for the GMAT. Oh, and Harry Potter dying! He dies, right? Just kidding.
So my real-life old friend is having a baby shortly, and my Internet old friend is having a baby soon (one hopes, for his wife). Snuggles' work friends are all having babies as well. Having been an avid fan of dooce.com for years now, and reading tangentially about the crying and the lack of sleep and the Mommy Wars (which sound uncomfortably like Witch Wars), I am a bit grateful to be a DINK. Ironically, that was my sister's nickname as a kid, and she was the first to reproduce, and quickly at that. Goes to show how some parental influence never sticks.
I now have a good reason to check the water.
But on to the Boy Who Lived. I saw him in both theatrical and book format this month, and I liked both. JK Rowling really knocked the last book out of the park, and the ending really reminded me about a book I was supposed to read in college for a Buddhism class. All the right themes are discussed in Joseph Campbell's Hero of 1000 Faces, if you care about what makes a good story about heroes. When I have seen the "Harry Potter is Jesus" and Narnia comparisons recently, I start shaking my head at the Internets.
"No, no, no," I say, "This all goes back much farther, and here's the definitive account."
But I don't really post on fan site message boards anymore, having learned That Lesson. For a better reason, go to this journalfen blog about Harry Potter fandom in the early 'aughts. But only if you have several hours. When I read it, I stayed up until 2am, transfixed at the sheer soapy drama emanating from the story. I couldn't pull myself away.
I will try to write more in August.
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I am going to be in Arizona between March 22-26, depending on rice of airfare. Unfortunately none of my family or friends can meet my boyfriend, as his work would not let him take 2 god damned days off because it's "spring planting." Like, flowers couldn't wait 2 days.
It's snowing outside right now and I am determined to go somewhere warm as soon as possible. It's a pity I waited so long: I could be in AZ right now while everyone else has a "high in the low 30s."
I've got to get my shit together soon though and let everyone know I'm coming, so if they can take time off to entertain me, it won't be a problem.
Labels: family, friends, vacation
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Last year:
I hand my bf a note.
"It's an eye, a heart and a sheep. I love sheep?"
"No, it's a ewe. Eye heart ewe. It's punny."
"Um, okay."
"You want me to put it on the fridge?"
"No, because I don't want people to think I love sheep."
Labels: friends
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Him: I don't want to play this game anymore.
Me: But bebe, it's something that we can do together...
Him: What don't we do together. We do everything together, except work.
Me: Oh. Can we just finish this one level?
Labels: friends
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#1: Save money and reduce spending
#2: Blog more often - every day if I can
#3: Be healthier - especially dentally.
#4: Keep in better touch with friends and family.
Of course, I don't have the best start on these. I didn't blog the New Year. I haven't called anyone to wish them a Happy New Year. It doesn't give anyone momentum when their boyfriend's mother is in town, and she's fascinating. Or when my body decided last Friday to come down with a head cold that felt like all the veins in my head were bursting one by one.
So, I suck. But I'll try. In the meantime: a picture of where the bf's mom works. Wouldn't you be in thrall to her stories as well?
Labels: family, friends, germany, vacation
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Q. What does the agnistic boyfriend say to his Wiccan girlfriend on Dec. 25?
A. "Merry Christmas".
Q. What does the Jewish boy say to his Wiccan friend on Dec. 24 (when it is neither Solstice nor Hannukah)?
A. "I hope you have a good holiday."
Thanks, guys.
My favorite Christmas story is told by David, and regards his Jewish family.
As his grandfather, the rabbi, takes his seat at Christmas dinner, his mother comes to the table carrying a large ham. Everyone sits still at the irony.
His mother asks, "Would you like some ham?"
The rabbi says, "On Christmas? Sure!"
David, having been there, tells it better. But it cracks me up every single time.
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One of my friends from the Peace Corps is living in the US now after getting married to an American and obtaining her visa. Yesterday we finally got to talk after playing phone tag for about 100 years. The phone call had so many facets to it that it could be about 5 blog entries, but the first one was about the holiday season.
It is damn hard to find non-Christian holiday cards. Much more difficult than last year. Bashi is Muslim, so when she goes to find cards to send to her family for New Year's, it's especially difficult. I explained to her about last year and Bill O'Reilly's War on Christmas fakery, and managed to remember it as even more ridiculous in the telling. How did people get sucked into that?
I made it my mission this year to find the most secular of cards. I believe I have only bought 3 cards that even have the word "Christmas" in them. But I have also been to the third largest mall in America to do so. How many other people have that option?
I think some of it comes from the idea that non-Christians are somehow "offended" when Christians wish them a Merry Christmas or sing carols around them, or do any of that secular stuff that's dressed up as religion. I don't think any of us are, but I do find it disorienting, like someone is wishing me a Happy Father's Day in February. I'm never going to be a father, and it's not the day of the holiday, so why?
Something that crystallized it for me was this short clip of Good Morning America that I saw on Friday. Glenn Beck was on (which is why I only watched for a second), extolling his usual idiocies and saying that if someone non-Christian is wished a Merry Christmas, the proper response is "thank you." Well, of course, I always say thank you too, but with the same feeling that a Christian would have being wished a happy Ramadan. Or being wished a happy birthday in August. A bit perplexed, yes, but with the sentiment that the person was only saying it to be nice.
So, I'm not offended. Can I please have my nice, secular selection back?
Labels: friends, peace corps, uzbekistan
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I have been surfing the Internet lately for new and inventive ways to wrap presents. I also have been to the library and checked out books. For the first time in my life, I am finally happy with my wrapping job this year, even if the packages could be described as "eclectic" at the very least.
Growing up, my sister was the Appointed Wrapper of Everything. Girl easily used a roll of scotch tape per 10 gifts, but they looked picture perfect, all the creases aligned perfectly and like you paid some "professional" to do it for $5 per box. My stepfather, if I recall correctly, paid her 50 cents.
My presents, on the other hand, looked like they had been spending their days in football practice before stumbling in, half broken. This year however, I have been going over to Japanese gift wrapping sites after a friend mentioned that they wrap presents in Japan like they do origami. Who doesn't want to do gift wrapping origami? It's got to be more interesting than the usual "fold at the bottom and the two sides, flip over and affix a bow."
The Japanese believe that any package, no matter how trivial means something. A gift is even more so, as it is a reflection of your heart. So this year, I really want the presents to be about how much I care for my family and friends, and I will reflect that in both the choice present and way it is presented.
Labels: family, friends, holiday
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Hi S.! How're you doing? I'm sorry about the mail before the last mail! One American comrade had sent it to me and I decided to send it to you! Do you remember you told me once if I found the way I could help me to move to the USA you would? Well! I tried to find many ways but found the only one which should be the best and unmistaken! Probably it sounds crazy but I'm not insane! This is the only way you are able to help me! The way is about the marriage. What if we get married? I'll be allowed to go to the USA get VISA and work! I know it sounds for you like nonsence but this is what you can do for me! Hope you understand me correctly!Uh... thanks, but no thanks. Although it is flattering. The last marriage proposal I got was in the 4th grade by a boy named Jason, who offered to give me a Nintendo if I would marry him.
Good Luck!
Labels: friends, uzbekistan
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